“We are all imperfect, and our imperfections are amplified when we interact with others, especially when those interactions involve conflict. Our reactions to conflict usually involve a toxic mix of avoidance, denial, anger, embarrassment, shame, blame, resentment, excuses, and false bravado, frequently fueled by our sense of justice and a grasp for power. It’s not pretty.”

The primal drive to be right can seize our thinking so we lose track of our priorities.  We miss that the relationship is more important than the argument. The job is more important than telling off the boss.  Being kind is more important than asserting dominance. But kind has many faces.

Our bodies often recognize the physical discomfort of conflict before our brains know what is going on.  When you experience that first electrical jolt of conflict, instead of reacting, you can choose to PARC—Pause Assess Reflect Choose.  It is hard, learned, and worth it.

Listening is essential, but how we choose to listen has dramatic impact.  Many of us appear to listen when we are really just waiting to have our say.  Radical listening is listening without an agenda and open to the possibility that we might be wrong.  It is challenging and can be life-changing.

When experiencing the existential suffering of another, our powerlessness can be terrifying.  What can we do when we can’t do anything?  The fundamental root of compassion is to be with suffering.  The willingness to sit with someone in deep anguish or grief and not offer empty solutions or run away from your own fear, is an extraordinary act of grace.

We all have principles and often recognize them when someone offends them.  Principles are not up for debate.   However, there is value in being curious about the principles of others to creatively explore ways to engage.  Patience and openness are learned virtues.

When I impulsively quit law school at over half-way through, I was blind to the fear, irresponsibility, and ingratitude.  Dean of Students, Len Fromm graciously saved me from myself and allowed me to return. Years after graduating, the story of a saxophone player offered me insight I needed to hear.

A premium is placed on self-awareness, but it is a quick trip across the line to destructive self-absorption.  Abandoning the idea that my lens is the best lens or the only lens to view the world offers unimaginable freedom.

• Lumina Foundation “Conflict Roundtable on Positively Conflicted”
• University of Southern California “Effectively Responding to the Justice Gene”
• Purdue for Life Foundation “Positively Conflicted: Fear it Less, Do it Better”
• Indiana University “Conflict… Can Failure Become Success?”
• University of Southern California “Negotiation for Entrepreneurs”
• Indiana Prosecuting Attorneys Counsel “Negotiating in a Criminal World”
• Indiana Department of Education “Leaping the Hurdles of Educational Mediation”
• Advanced Mediation Training “Angry People and Offloading”
• Indiana Supreme Court Committee on Diversity and Access “Conflict Training and Getting Started”
• Solo and Small Firm Conference “Good Example or Horrible Warning; a Lawyer’s Story of Addiction and Recovery”
• Columbus Chamber of Commerce: Taking Care of Business: The Art of Negotiation. Fear It Less, Do It Better