Being Right Is Expensive & Way Overrated
Being right is really expensive and way overrated. No matter how many times I chase or proclaim rightness, it often turns out to be a leaky vessel.
Years ago, while standing and arguing heatedly with my wife, Patty, in our living room, she paused, looked me squarely in the eye and slowly asked, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be married?”
My righteous mind quietly said internally, “both.” Both is Option F—Fantasy. Patty left the room, as my silence was a sadly unhelpful answer.
Righteous anger fuels a powerful chemical rush that narrows our vision, limits our creativity and leaves us virtually unable to listen to any perspective beyond our own. I was with my wife, but I might as well have been alone in a locked room with the lights off. In that moment, I could probably have told you nothing about how Patty was feeling. My entire focus was my point of view, without regard for anything else, including our relationship.
Being right that an employee is going to fail, does not matter if no action is taken. Being right that a lawsuit will be won, has no value if it takes a million dollars to prove it. Being right about directions to a wedding, has no “I told you so” benefit after you arrive late. By hanging onto rightness, we hurt business, spend needless money, and sabotage relationships. And yet…it is so compelling.
When I invest in my own rightness (even if I’m right) the ability to problem-solve or look beyond the moment vanishes as quickly as cotton candy in my mouth. It tastes sweet but offers no sustenance.
In that moment I have forfeited choice to primal instincts like a toddler throwing a tantrum. The other person is no more than a placeholder to absorb my agenda.
What rarely occurs in those charged encounters is that maybe there is more than one right; one right is better for the short term, and one right is better for the long term; we may never know what is right; or that the conflict is so complicated that sitting with uncomfortable uncertainty is right.
Where righteousness is raining down on everyone, many of us are most inclined to be blind to consequences and pay no attention to a long view. Life skills like patience, compassion, acceptance, courage, and wisdom leave the building.
We fool ourselves into thinking that we are willing to pay the price for our righteousness, with no idea what that price really is. More dangerously, we delude ourselves into thinking that we do know what that price is—a complete denial of the uncertainty that is our constant companion.
You will know your righteous anger, because it slowly or quickly takes over your body as adrenaline beckons an immediate response. You literally feel it in your dry mouth, racing heart, and sweaty palms. In moments of righteous anger, consider pausing instead of surrendering to the first instinct that comes to mind. You may save your job, your relationship, or possibly even your life.