Why Don’t You Change…

Last week we talked about internal conflicts that routinely happen between our ears.  This week let’s consider external conflicts. 

Conflict arises whenever opposing forces or desires collide and cannot be readily reconciled.  The conflict is external when it involves a person, circumstance or institution outside ourselves.  We might have a conflict with a work-team member who never gets his work done on time.  We might have a conflict with an unanticipated road-construction project that makes us miss our flight.  We might have a conflict with a big company that only tells of us of a deadline to apply after the deadline has already passed.

External conflicts create the same physical uneasiness that we feel with internal conflicts -- the knot growing in our stomach as we realize that a person, circumstance or institution has interfered with our agenda.  We may have more or less control, depending on the conflict, but discomfort is part of it as we wrestle with pride, logistics, and unfairness, and how to respond.  External conflicts are perhaps most evident in our close relationships, which means they are also our greatest opportunity to practice.

Spouses were arguing over how to spend limited money on a tight budget.  One thought they were entitled to a night out after hard week at work. The other thought it was more important to pay down some credit card debt.  After several minutes of increased frustration and raised voices trying to convince each another that they were right, one spouse said what the other was certainly thinking, “Why don’t you change so I’ll feel better?”

Pretty intuitive response to the discomfort of conflict isn’t it?  I don’t like how things are, but I can feel better, if you change instead of me.  It is natural but not very effective. 

• The first step in addressing external conflict is to accept that the other person is just as sure of the reasonableness of their conclusion as you are of yours. 
• The second step is to set aside your agenda and listen with the possibility that they might be right, even though you feel sure they are not. 
• The third step is to decide whether it is important enough to fight for your way or if it’s better to surrender to someone else’s.  You may think you are fighting over the family budget when you are really fighting over the relationship itself.