The Justice Gene Tended (Part Three of Three)
Not every conflict ends in resolution, and not every negotiation results in a deal.
A young woman suffered an injury when she was a teenager, but we were mediating her case, after she was an adult. She was represented by two lawyers, and she also asked her parents to attend. Over the course of the day, everyone was talking except for the woman who had been injured.
Late in the mediation, I asked her if she would share her thoughts because I had heard from everyone else.
Her lawyer leaned-in, pointed his finger at me and said, “I’m her lawyer. You talk to me. I don’t care what she says.” That at least is the way I remember it.
Without missing a beat, I also leaned-in, pointed my finger right back at him, and yelled, “Don’t you ever come into my office and tell me that you don’t care what your client says!”
Even before I finished, I knew that I had stepped way over the line. I was worshipping at the altar of my justice gene. I sat back, apologized, and told folks that I would go to my office so they could decide for themselves, whether they wanted anything to do with me going forward. They decided to find a resolution without me.
Getting to Yes is a seminal book on conflict and negotiation. [1] But “yes” may be too big an ask with large issues and inflamed passion in the moment. That does not preclude creative options.
Two key elements in the book are:
- Separate the people from the problem, [2] and
- Focus on interests, not positions. [3]
In this case I did neither. I focused on the people and ignored the interests. I was the horrible warning instead of the good example.
Had I paid attention to the physical symptoms that preceded my angry outburst, and paused instead of indulging my righteousness, there could have been a better alternative for everyone.
The other lawyer was not the problem; my reaction to him was.
His position about his client was not the problem; my limited notion of how I could understand her interest was.
Whether the lawyer was right or wrong, I could only control my response, and I clearly did a very poor job. My apology, wishing them well, and not charging them was the best I could do after surrendering to my inflamed justice gene. If you pay attention to physical cues and pause, then you can separate people from problems and interests from positions. That is a place from which hope can spring.
[1] Fisher, Roger, Ury, William, Patton, Bruce, Getting to Yes, Second Edition (Houghton Mifflin Company 1991) p.19-55).
[2] Id. at p. 19.
[3] Id. at p. 40.