What Are You Afraid Of?
What are you afraid of? If you say “nothing,” consider whether you ever experience stress, dread, anxiety, distress, concern, discomfort, nervousness, or apathy. They are all rooted in fear.
We are afraid of losing what we have or not getting what we want. We construct stories about how we will be ok if we get the job or the relationship but not if we don’t. Fear often reveals itself in four categories of things we are afraid of losing or not getting:
1. Security and survival
2. Esteem and affection
3. Power and control
4. Comfort and ease. [1]
Fear causes us to feel vulnerable, so we guard against it, deny it, or puff up in some way to hide it. Sometimes anger is our instinctive response to fear—it pushes people away and guards our soft spots. When you find yourself angry, take a look and see if fear prompted the anger. It is the perception of fears, large and small, that forms the foundation of virtually all conflict. If we can readily accept whatever happens without fear of one outcome being better than another, there is no stress, dread or anxiety. But that is not the way life works.
The danger of a poisonous snake striking from beneath a rock is very different from the embarrassment of a bad public speech. One threatens our survival and the other threatens our esteem. But our bodies react the same—racing heart, pounding head, upset stomach and sweaty palms.
Perplexing about fear, is that when we experience it, our ability to think clearly and respond proportionately diminishes. We naturally go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. And our reaction is based on our perception, which may or may not accurately assess the level of the threat. Mistaken perceptions aggravate unintended consequences. Have you ever taken offense at a comment you later learned was not directed at you?
When we feel physical discomfort, and we aren’t sick or injured, an element of fear or threat to our well-being is a likely culprit. It is a good time to pause and see if we can identify the source, and if not the source, the level of the threat. If there is time, asking someone we trust is a good regulator for both our perception and our response.
Once we have paused, we can test the proportionality of the discomfort, and then make a better choice on how to respond, rather than be the victim of our impulsive reaction. It is uncomfortable; it takes practice; and it is worth it.
[1] Cynthia Bourgeault, Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening (Lanham, MD: Cowley Publications, 2004), 147. Bourgeault identifies one through three as methods of developing a meditative practice, rather than specifically as fears.